Honor
by KiahTrickster
Summary: A hard spot, a hard choice; she chose with integrity. When detectives are taken hostage at a crime scene it becomes apparent that something far worse is at play. The actions of the ME may help the situation or make it worse;there will be consequences either way. She had served as a soldier and a doctor; taken an oath and stood by it. A hero, will she live to see a new day?
1. Prologue

_You took an oath, you don't get to take a time out because we are at war, because it is difficult to uphold. The oath was written for times like these.-Melinda Warner_

Some things added insult to injury. She had stood proudly for the oaths that she took, and lived her life in respect of them. She had been to war and see the horror of evil. She did not question the oaths she took; they had their reason.

Those who took an oath to first cause no harm, no suffering and help as all they could; they could not go back on it. What they did, what they saw was what came back from the front lines; they did not stand there. She had, she had stood and served on that line, taken oath there and then came back. She would never forget

It rubbed her wrong when ethics were put aside with stupid excuses; especially by doctors. They were given trust offered to no one else, they held hope and knew intimate secrets.

Men with guns did not scare her, she knew how to carry as well. Physicians trying to bluff did not back her to the wall; they forgot she had her MD; she chose not to flaunt it. Life was not clean cute and death was a mystery of the beyond; the means were not.

The means of death were her job, justice was how she chose to practise; personally she had no fear of death. Only a will to live. She had faced death and lived not as a game of chance but on the line; a risk. Risk was a word most feared, but it was the cost of life. You could live safe in comfort but it took little to push that balance. It came down to values and choices.

She lived by her choices and she would die by them; it was her right. In that she stood and raised the weapon; the shot would bring an answer. I t would end the wait and offer the safety to those in hiding; it had been long enough. She felt the hit, the pain and closed her eyes; it was over.


	2. Wait

It was a school, the only thing she was thankful for was it wasn't a little kid; but that was little comfort when she knew she'd have to stand over a teenager. She pulled the gurney in and glanced side to side, the halls were empty but far too many people stood in the office.

The kids were likely holed up in classrooms as they headed into the school dorms; she glanced silently back to the group in the office. The NYMS was something of its own, she didn't necessarily agree with it but this was a first for her.

She knelt by the body doing a primary scan, no obvious trauma; some older healed wounds and bruising but nothing recent. Gently turning the head, no obvious signs of strangulation, lifting an eye lid; no petechial in the eyes. She lifted the arm.

" No obvious cause of death, rigor is just setting in; likely died sometime around midnight. Healing wounds consistent with sparring." She opened her kit to check liver temp.

The detectives moved around above her, it was times like these that she missed Stabler; he and Olivia worked well together. That pair could handle just about anything; the new detectives were still trying to find their stride with each other and the unit.

There were too many people in the room, she kept working silently. The two young detectives were working separately talking to witnesses and the school superiors. She took a moment to look down at the face of the young victim; sometimes it was hard to do.

She had served in the air force, but had made the choice to join as a n adult, she didn't agree with military schools. In too many ways they stole childhood, preparing children to be soldiers long before their time. They had their place and their time, but sometimes they took it too far.

It would never sit right in her stomach, she had been a soldier, but she had also been an adult; she had trained for combat. But the marks that had once marked her and every other man or woman preparing for battle should not mark a fourteen year old. Not when there were many able bodied men and women trained and willing to serve.

This young girl would probably mark another change, it had only been a few years that girls were welcomed into military schools, before it had just been for boys; many still were. It would have been better though if she had lived, gotten to grow up and decide who she wanted to be.

Laying out a body bag she eased the girl into it and lay a sheet over her before doing a quick exam; suspicions were right but the detectives could hear that later. She glanced up as voices raised, and the detectives had both drawn down.

" Drop them." She glanced up as the man leveled a machine gun with Amaro, both detectives dropped their weapons. " Check the building."

Two men moved from his sides and out of the room, Melinda shifted back onto her heels to hug the wall; now they really didn't need the extra people in the room. One good thing about working with bodies, she blended into the wood work; and was mostly ignored.

Silently she scanned the room, the cops were trying to react but she knew they didn't have the experience. Both detectives had dropped their weapons but hadn't unloaded them, simply kicked them back, closer to her; it was a panic response . But it was good, both weapons were still useable.

Everyone was ordered to the floor, she stepped over the body and lay down, crossing her hands behind her head; Rollins gun was within reach. The new detectives didn't know about her service and she made no move to be a threat; it was the best bet.

A young woman was next to her whimpered, she glanced over; full uniform didn't make a warrior. It masked a young girl who wanted to be something she wasn't ready to be. It was though something to remember; this was a place for children.

Turning her head she glanced back towards the doorway, there was a man at the door. He held a powerful gun, but there was tension in his face; he wasn't in charge but he was giving orders. Melinda sighed and kept her body still.

Time passed slowly, they were blocked away from any outside sources; the place hadn't been evacuated. The same man stayed at their door but several different men came and went; as if patrolling the building.

She flinched as a conversation became heated between two men, one of the detectives moved and a shot fired. This was not going well, she inched closer to the young woman next to her; the girl needed to stay quiet.

Melinda closed her eyes as tempers exploded; this needed to end with minimal loss. Somewhere something else was not going right and she heard a snippet of conversation. ' We're at war."

She closed her eyes, their country had been at war for generations with various countries; and countries had been at war with them. Targeting a military school sent a message, either this was really well timed or the body she was responsible for was a method of getting some cops here.

Melinda lay still, she could see Detective Amaro shifting again; he needed to be careful. If he lay still and listened, or at least communicated with his partner they might have a fighting chance; there were civilians here too; children who were scared.

It was irritating that they weren't all together, their actions would very likely effect other hostages; hostages they couldn't see. She had a child of her own, and right now she was thankful that the girl was several hours away from here; there were other kids here.

Her stomach knotted but she told herself she had seen much worse and been in much worse situations. It felt as if hours passed, she stayed still and listened, things were getting tenser and then things went really wrong.


	3. React

Shots rang out, Melinda shifted her body, covering the girl next to her. The shots weren't coming at them, she glanced across; everyone in the room had assumed a similar position. Looking to the door she saw attention was not on them, reaching out she grabbed the gun and pressed it between her chest and the girl's back.

There was a moment of silence and then a sick smack followed cursing; she kept the girl's face down. She didn't need to look to know, but she head a gasp farther down the line. She had moved enough bodies with interns to know.

It was sad, but good for them; dissention in the ranks warranted death. Not to mention a good part of that clip had been emptied; she stayed still and listened.

" You and me now, lets finish this." Mentally she agreed, it was easier to take on two than three.

She kept her cheek against the young woman's hair looking back, waiting for both of them to step into the doorway. One hand on the hidden gun she listened and watched; her body tight.

" Is it armed yet?" Her hand tightened when she couldn't hear the response; more cursing.

Closing her eyes she was very still for a moment, then looked back at the wall; dry wall with nothing to make a bullet reflect. If there was a chance of getting out of here before anything was armed she had to draw fire over them; she had to get to her feet to bring it high.

If she could make her shots it might just be a few, if she missed it would be more. It had to end, and right now there was a chance; she had to try.

The man who stayed on the door was a clean shot, she braced here left arm; the second man stepped into the door frame. She pushed herself to her knees, up and pivoted. Her reflexes were quick and still good; she sent one man down on the first shot; kill shot.

The other opened fire, bracing her arm she held steady and fired; pain exploded in her body. He fell on the last shot but she was falling too; her head cracked off the floor. She felt woozy and pain blurred but her vision did too.

Her hands moved instinctively, seeking blood. She knew that in a fight the shot that killed, was the one you never saw. Her body was growing heavy and she swallowed hard; she felt cold.

Fighting to keep her eyes open she saw people coming through the door; moving around her. A hand touched her shoulder, she rolled her head; a familiar voice.

"Stay still Melinda, let me." Her vision dotted now but she knew the older detective's voice, his hands pushed hers aside. " Its going to be okay; its okay."

She smiled a little, she knew what he was saying but it didn't mean anything. It wasn't okay, nothing about this was okay. But it might not matter for her, she heard him yelling for a medic as blackness swum through her.


	4. Hope

The halls were filling quickly, just as news was spreading; details were coming in now. Olivia stood in the waiting room with the rest of the unit and several interns and techs from the morgue; she had put space between herself and the two rookie detectives.

Munch and Fin stood with her, there was still blood on Munch's shirt; she remembered when the same person's blood had stained her hands. Melinda was in surgery and they hadn't heard anything yet. Cragen had gone to inform her daughter, Melinda may not have been a cop but she was a hero.

So far family wasn't here yet, but Cragen had just got back and the silence was unnerving, cops were rarely quiet and right now they lined the halls in plain clothes and uniform; everyone wanted answers. The ME wasn't specific to a unit, she worked with many different precincts and divisions; people here all had different memories of her and all hoped she would pull through.

The sight of the chief of police striding through the halls was never good; and right now she was with him. "I had two detectives in there and I have the medical examiner in surgery and the detectives are fine. And preliminary findings are saying a terrorist attack. What the hell happened?"

She watched the two detectives react, Rollins shrank back slightly; Amaro rallied but Cragen silenced him quickly. They all stepped aside, to clear the hall, Olivia closed her eyes for a moment; the teen who strode down the hall had known enough loss. The conversation would have to wait.

The young face was set hard; she looked like her mother Olivia thought. "It's all over the news that there were two cops there, that this was a terrorist attack. Why is my mom in surgery?"

The girl's voice was cold; she knew the girl was trying to mask the pain. Cragen stepped up and was blocked quickly by the chief. "Your mom stepped up to protect civilians. At this time it is believed to be an attempt made; we don't have all the facts yet but when we do Captain Cragen will keep you advised."

"So, you're telling me that my mom went to work, she works with cops; there were two or more cops on that scene and they didn't do anything? Why would you put incompetent idiots on the street, they should know how to react and be able to do it fast if they want to protect the city." Olivia closed her eyes; the girl had hit the nail on the head.

"My mom served her country, she went to war and she came home. She went to school and became a doctor to help people, she left the military because she didn't want to patch up people shot and blown apart; she wanted to give people answers.

"She does the things that would make you pass out but you wear the badge, you carry the gun. When you need to find out how someone died you ask her; and then take the credit on the TV and in the papers. You're already taking credit for this too; I heard the report on the way over. Good job stopping a bombing."

"Listen, no one could have anticipated what happened this morning; we had no warning we were walking into a terrorist attack. We were responding to a scene secured by unis no one could have been ready; we all did…"

"No." Amaro was cut off cold. "No, you weren't ready, you didn't do anything. Think she got a news bulletin? Hell no! You have no idea what it is to do your job when there are a lot of lives on the line; how to deal with a situation.

"You panicked and put yourself first; you got on the ground and stayed there hoping someone else would do something so you didn't have to. And guess what someone did, you wouldn't have the guts to do anything if you were put there again." The girl was inches from Amaro now, Rollins had stepped back almost behind him; no one moved to back her off; everyone had heard.

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Guess what, so am I. I am sorry you don't know how to do your job. I am sorry you don't like to put your life on the line. And I am sorry you don't want to stand up for something. I guess you're just thankful you weren't there for 9/11, what would you have done then? Want to know what my mother did?"

"Slow down this wasn't 9/11 there was no possibility of it being anything like that."

"No, not on the scale, maybe not as many lives but it would have been some. Something you forget is some of us hasn't forgotten. I'll never forget, I know where I was and I know where my mom was; that day and for weeks after. Where were you? Did you do anything that mattered; or did you just stay home and be glad to be alive."

Olivia closed her eyes, everyone here remembered; she had worked alongside many of them through those times. It had been hard and there had been so many things that went around with it; it was chilling to think it could happen again. Then they didn't really know what would have happened today, had people not reacted.

"She was there the day it happened; she was part of the rescue effort and is still part of the identification team. There were teams of them, they worked in there every day for weeks, days after they were crawling through debris and they still found people alive."

" She got hurt in there, a lot of them did, and she kept going every day she went back there; she worked on site with the last crew. It was horrible, I was just a little kid; I knew something bad had happened but I didn't know what. She worked through it, she just came home to give me a hug every day; sometimes it was the only time I saw her." The shell was crumbling and Olivia moved forward. "Is my mom going to be okay?"

She wrapped the young woman in her arms, pulling her close; this was still a child. "C'mon sweetie, let's go see if we can find somewhere quiet. "

Guiding the girl away from the group; somewhere quiet was not necessarily going to be an easy task. She found two chairs near the nursing station and set the young woman in one then caught a nurse. "Can I get an update on Melinda Warner, anything?"

"I'm sorry we can only release updates at this time to next of kin." The nurse gave her a pitied look and started to turn away.

"I'm next of kin, Kaylen, Kaylen Warner she's my mom." Olivia turned back to the girl who was halfway out of her seat; a kind of desperation in her eyes.

Silently Olivia gestured to her badge and took the other chair, guiding Kaylen back down; the woman nodded and rounded the desk. It was a couple moments before she came back. "Ms. Warner is still in surgery, it will be some time yet but things are looking good."

"When will she be out, how long till I can see her?"

"They are still working to repair the damage, the bullets have been removed. We want to keep her comfortable it will be tonight before she really wakes up. I'll have the doctor come and talk to you when she is in recovery." The nurse touched Kaylen's shoulder and left.

Olivia closed her eyes, that was an easy way of saying there was nothing they could really say yet. It meant there still might need to be decisions made, ones she didn't want to think about. "Kaylen, where is your dad?"

The girl sniffed, a bit. "Iraq, he'll be there another seven months."

She hadn't known, Melinda didn't speak of family all that often. "I'll see if we can get in touch with him."

"Don't bother, my parents met in the military; both came home for a few years when I was little. Mom retired but dad stayed; it's more his life than we are. He's been with marines for his whole life, when he's home he's home and when he's not he's not. It's mostly just me and mom." Kaylen sighed. "I can call my grandma, I should call my grandma; no I shouldn't she's away right for the weekend."

"Okay, okay, how about we take care of that. Just wait, here alright; I'll as a friend to contact her." Olivia moved back to the hall, seeking out Fin.

She spoke to the detective who nudged Munch and both slipped away; clearly eager to get out of the situation. Cragen had the two rookie detectives cornered and there was far too much brass standing around.

She turned back to escape but a hand stopped her, she swallowed hard; you couldn't walk away from the chief of detectives. "How is she holding up?"

"She's hanging on but she's scared." And so was she, Melinda was a friend; she wanted to know what happened.

"Any word on Warner?"

"She is still in surgery, bullets have been removed but they have to close her up; heavy pain killers she won't be talking until tonight earliest." Melinda had a high pain tolerance, Olivia knew it first hand; but this time was different.

Olivia went back to sit by Kaylen, time passed slowly; she hoped the old adage no new was good news applied. It was hard to wait, people flowed through and Kaylen got restless; she understood. Finally a doctor approached them, Olivia closed her eyes for a moment; she hoped it was a good news.

"She's out of surgery?" Olivia asked, only to avoid holding her breath.

"Yes, she is." The man was looking mostly at Kaylen and the girl had huge puppy dog eyes; she didn't blame him.

"Can I see her?"

"Yes, but you need to be aware we've put your mother on some heavy drugs; she needs to be very still and rest. A bullet grazed her spine we've done all we can surgically, a lot will depend on how she heals. We've got her in a brace and she needs to stay that way; it may be hard to see." Kaylen's face fell with the each word and Olivia felt her heart clench.

"I want to see my mom." Kaylen's jaw set and the doctor nodded, and told her the room number; Olivia waited to see if she would be allowed. A silent nod and Olivia followed a few steps behind Kaylen.


	5. Reality

She gave Kaylen a moment alone with her mother before slipping into the room. Kaylen's hand was on her mother's cheek, she waited at the end of the bed, there were tears in the girl's eyes; she understood the feeling.

Melinda looked small in the bed, almost delicate with the wires and tubes running from her to several machines. She watched as Kaylen ran her fingers gently down Melinda's cheek; pushing her hair back. This wasn't right.

The medical examiner had been in the hospital before because of a cop's actions; and shot. She didn't like to think that one person had ended up in the hospital to stop something when there had been multiple people trained. Then she didn't like to see a young woman so worried.

"It's going to be okay Kaylen. She's tough and she'll be back on her feet." Olivia rubbed the girl's back; poor thing needed some good news.

"She's going to know what's wrong with her and its going to drive her nuts." Kaylen sat lightly on the bed beside her mom. "Do you know what happened yet? All of it?"

"No I don't but I promise I'll tell you as soon as I do. Please trust me on this Kaylen, I really don't like seeing her here, we'll do everything we can to help out alright?"

"I hate this, I hate them, I don't know what to do and I don't want …."

"Honey, you aren't alone in this and neither is your mom. " Olivia paused for a moment, gently moving Kaylen from the bed to the chair. "It's going to be alright."

She pulled a chair into the room and sat with the girl, the day passed slowly; Melinda didn't move. Nurses came in the check machines and fluid levels, soft knocks at the door told Olivia to go for news; things were slowly starting to come together and reality was hitting.

As she walked back from another mini conference she dropped back into the chair weakly. She stared at the bed, it seemed unreal that with the facts coming in there was only one injury and one innocent death; Melinda had finished off their trio of would be terrorists.

Now though she fought for her life, the woman was her friend and Olivia was starting to feel like she had never known her. Melinda had never talked home and family at work and she had understood that because it was understandable; especially with a child.

But then she hadn't known much about Kaylen, or for that matter Melinda's life before they had worked together; she knew little about her life outside of work either. Now she watched the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, most of the equipment was hidden in the bed but she had a feeling it was not pleasant.

Then she had to look at a girl who didn't want to leave her mother, that wasn't who she had been. Had her mother been hospitalized she would have visited but she would not have sat bedside for hours; then her mother would never have stood up in that situation.

A movement startled her, it brought Kaylen forward in the chair like a shot and it took Olivia a second to realize; Melinda's eyes had opened.

"Your awake, mom? Mom is you okay?" Kaylen's hand rubbed her mom's shoulder; reaching for her hand.

"Remember Kaylen she needs to stay still." Olivia eased Kaylen back a bit. "I'll get the nurse."

Stepping into the hall she spoke to a woman at the nurse's desk and ended up walking back with the doctor. The door had barely closed before Melinda spoke, Olivia winced at the grittiness of her voice.

"Why can't I move?"

"You are in a brace to keep your body still, Ms. Warner do you know where you are? The date?" The man stepped closer, Olivia watched as he folded back the blankets back reaching under them; she winced.

"It's Doctor Warner I am aware of the date and the time; I don't know which hospital I am in. Now what the hell did you give me?" Melinda groaned and Olivia winced.

"The anesthetics are wearing off, we've got you a mild pain drip going; we'll keep you comfortable but you need to stay still. It will take time to heal and we will take it step by step." The doctor's voice dismissed the demand in the woman's words but it didn't stop her.

"I want to see my x rays and I want to know why I am in this damn contraption. You've doped me up on some crap you can only give post op and I want off it. I want to know what happened this morning." Melinda's eyes closed and Olivia realized the short interaction had been hard for her.

"You just need to breath, relax and let me worry about X rays and medications. What's your pain scale?" Olivia closed her eyes and waited.

"Six on ten, I can live with it; I want to see my x rays. Damn it."

"Just do it, please; they're of her it can't do any harm." Olivia spoke softly, Melinda was upset and Kaylen was upset; it was not going to compound well.

"Alright, but you are staying in the brace and hopefully you will be able to understand. There is some swelling around your spine; we need to wait for it to go down before we let you out. Until then I'd like to keep you comfortable; we'll keep your dose medial and run some tests in the next few days." The doctor replaced the blankets and turned to leave, again gesturing Olivia to follow; she refused to groan.

"She isn't going to be happy about this but it is necessary, she needs to stay calm and still." The man spoke to her coolly. "I'll have a nurse bring a copy of the x-rays by later; she won't be up to talking very long. Sleep is the best thing for her."

Olivia sighed and pressed two fingers to her temple; that was going to be fun. Silently she re-entered the room, Kaylen held Melinda's hand silently and she knew this wasn't going to be easy. Taking the chair farthest from the bed she let the two have a few minutes to reassure each other.

"Hey Kaylen, can I talk to your mom alone for a moment?"

"I'm not on my death bed yet Kay, give us a minute." There was a moment of hesitation and Olivia almost expected a fight until Melinda told her daughter to leave. They both watched the young woman leave the room; Olivia turned a chair and pulled it close. "Olivia I'm sorry it's not clear in my head at all. I don't remember the morning, I should I just can't."

"Hey, hey its okay trust me we don't expect you to alright. We'll get your statement later, just relax." She saw Melinda fight for a couple breaths and swallowed hard.

"Okay. I'm okay, just can't get my breath. Okay do you know what happened yet?"

"Calm down a moment, you can't upset yourself. We don't know everything that has happened yet. I don't know all the details, I've spent most of the day here; and I'll spend the night." Olivia rested her hand on Melinda's.

A nurse opened the door and stepped in, Olivia watched and the nurse hold the x-rays so that Melinda could see; the woman studied them a moment and closed her eyes. The nurse's eyes went to the floor and then left.

"Hey, hey it's alright." She rubbed Melinda's hand.

"No, not it's not. Is the girl okay? She was just a kid, maybe fifteen or sixteen; she would have been next to me."

"Yes, everyone else was okay; we got all the kids out of the dorms too. You were the only one who got hurt."

"No I wasn't, someone died, or I wouldn't have been there. I can't do this Liv." Melinda's eyes closed again. "It's all mixed up."

"Okay. That's okay. Just relax; do you want some different company? There are people out there who would like to see you."

"I just want to be alone for a bit, will you send Kaylen home? She has a midterm tomorrow, she had a class today but I'm guessing she skipped."

"We can get her excused from that, the school will understand. I'll be right back, just rest." Olivia left the room and sighed; it was going to be a long night.

She told Kaylen what her mother said but also that they would get her out of the test if she wanted the girl went to talk to her mother. Olivia found Fin, Munch and Cragen in the lounge. "She's awake, it's not good but she's alive. There is swelling around her spine and it's caused temporary paralysis; I think she's in shock."

"I think she's allowed, I'll run Kaylen home." Fin spoke softly, before turning away and heading down the hall.

"IAB started their investigation? Do we have a line on what has happened? "She asked the Captain, his eyes were set and she knew his age was showing.

"They've started; Amaro and Rollins are there now: that's not going well. We've got the Feds in here now, they will be taking over but we will be kept apprised. There were two men apprehended, and three dead; Melinda took out two. There is more at the lab and we've got a pathologist covering for Warner but it's going to be some time."

"Anything good I can tell her?"

"Don't let her watch the news, each station has a different interpretation; not much has been released." Cragen scrubbed his face with one hand and she nodded.

"Good news? Oh well, there was a young woman in there with her, do we know who she is?"

"There were a couple girls in there, ah Munch who was with Warner?"

"Girl next to her was Jamie Sanders, two years from graduation. The dorm monitor for that group, she's fine, a little shook up but she wasn't harmed. Warner covered the girl with her body when the shots went off." Munch had changed but he looked tired too, today had aged them all in a sense.

"Why doesn't that surprise me? I'm going to stay for the night, hopefully she'll sleep through but I don't think she should be alone."

"I'll spell you off in the morning, keep the media off her back; it's only starting to blow up. One of those little psychos will think a hospital shot will be good news, they trash all privacy laws."

"You are for privacy now? What happened to the freedom of speech?" Fin joined them again. "Kaylen's doing battle about going home, don't Olivia; it's her mom she'll consider the limits."

"I think there are boundaries, and I have no doubt that some mope will try something stupid; it just better not work. I do have some morals you know."

"That's good to know John but I want to be able to tell her something. One of you harass the feds and get Olivia something by morning, preferably good. Fin take the kid home, make sure there is someone there for her the last thing she needs is to be alone." Cragen spoke firmly and then nodded down the hall, Kaylen walked towards them; she seemed composed enough.

"The nurse gave mom some more drugs, I think she's sleeping. I'm going to go home and I'll write my test tomorrow; they'll have moved mom out of recovery by then. Will you let me know where she is?"

"Of course we will. Fin is going to take you home alright." Olivia was met with silent nod; the fight had gone out of the girl.

She waited until Fin and Kaylen was out of sight. "I want info tonight John."

"As soon as I know, you'll know." The senior detective nodded and she headed back to Melinda's room.


	6. Cost

Her body ached, trying to move she realized again where she was. The room was mostly dark now, she didn't remember much of the day. But what she did was not pleasant, it was still jumbled; they were pumping drugs into her body.

She could still see the scans clearly though, that was an image she couldn't escape. It was bad, she closed her eyes and swallowed and that was only part of it. She couldn't even assess the damage done to her own body; she couldn't move.

It brought tears to her eyes, she struggled to blink them away but soon it overwhelmed her; she knew she had to stop. She wished for Kaylen, but she wanted to hold her baby; and she couldn't even do that. And it wasn't fair to let the girl stay by her bed, she had to keep living; they both did.

Stealing herself she told herself that again, she had to keep going; keep fighting. She had taken a chance and had lived, there had to be a reason; she couldn't give up. But it was going to be a long road ahead, she knew the truth in the scans, the surgeon could be as optimistic as he liked; she was living on a chance.

Melinda stared into the darkness, she couldn't move, she couldn't cry and she couldn't wish it away. She had been hurt before, and hurt badly; it had never stopped her. There was always a reason to keep going, the job and then school, her oath, and then her child.

She had to do it again, she didn't want to. There was movement in the corner of her eye, a nurse moved to the pump on her IV, adding a new drug to the mix; the last thing she needed. The night crawled by slowly, the drug knocked her out for a little while but she woke again before light.

This time someone stood over her, she expected it to be a nurse or the doctor again but it wasn't. "John."

"Hey Melinda. How are you feeling?" He took her hand, people kept doing that; there was pity in his eyes.

"I'm okay." Her voice sounded rough, her throat was dry; she hated herself.

"Fin is here too, do you want the company? We can stay for a bit or I can send him off to do something." Munch eased back towards the door.

"Sure." She wanted to say no, but he was already here; she could hide later.

A moment later Fin was sitting in a chair on one side of her and Munch was on her other. She stayed silent as the guys got comfortable. "Do I need to be babysat?"

"No, but we did think you could use some company. You'll be happy to know no one else was hurt yesterday, and that you prevented a bombing."

She sighed, that wasn't completely true, a young girl had died that day; so had three men. "How many kids were in that place?"

"200 hundred but they had guest visiting, a retired colonel who was going to speak to the students. He has been very vocal about some things that have happened over seas; he was the primary target the kids were just impact. You did good Melinda." Fin sat forward, she could see him out of the corner of her eye.

"Where was he?"

"He was getting dressed on the floor below you and was trapped on the level with the majority of the other teachers and personnel. The bomb was wired to the door but never armed, we have video of most of the incident; there is going to be little question of what happened.

"The feds have taken over the investigation, they'll be coming in to talk to you; you don't have to see them until you are ready. Melinda anything you need, you just let us know okay? You shouldn't have been the only one in there who reacted; I'm sorry." It was Fin's turn to rub her hand, she just closed her eyes, they were afraid to hurt her; they wanted to pity her.

"We can't change it now. The victim, did they want cops in there?"

"That was a fluke; it sounds like it messed up their plans. They were on site when you arrived; in the office. They had control there and from what we can tell only learned cops were on route after they were in. Cause of death was an aneurism. She received a blow in sparring the day before, curled up there and never woke up." She closed her eyes as Fin spoke, that didn't seem right; she was so young.

"Was a tux screen run?"

"Don't work it Doc, we've got a pathologist on it."

"Was it an aneurism or was it head trauma? I can't remember if I looked for anything, it might not…"

"Melinda just rest, it's not your case and trust me if it wasn't natural or an accident we'll see that it's taken care of; you know that." She got cut off and Fin patted her hand to silence her the way he might a child.

"Was it just the three of them?" She would let it be.

"No there were two more, already in custody don't worry Melinda. People are on this, trust me the message was received loud and clear and is being broadcasted around the world. The little media psychos know they've sunk their teeth into something juicy." Munch rolled his eyes.

"Have names been released?"

"No not confirmed but Melinda the story is out. No one is going to bother you here and no one will bother your daughter; she has company." Fin's voice was reassuring, but that didn't mean he would be right.

The door opened and conversation paused, she didn't need to see to know it was the doctor; he stood at the foot of the bed. "We need a moment to examine her and then she should rest."

Both men stood and left, a nurse slipped in and the door closed. Melinda simply closed her eyes and let them do as they wished, she couldn't do anything to help them or stop them if she wanted to do; it was humiliating.

The doctor left first and she opened her eyes as a new gown was laid over her and the old one slid down her body; it was a little bit of kindness. The woman paused and touched her shoulder Melinda just looked into green eyes.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked softly, her hair was pressed back from her face and tucked under her neck.

"I've been better."

The nurse laughed a little. "I don't doubt it, but then I wouldn't have done what you did. You need to rest but do you want anything first?"

"Can you tell me what was done? I don't know where I was hit. I don't really remember it at all."

"You were hit several times. You took one to the left shoulder and two in the gut one was a flesh wound and the other came very close to your spine. Two went into your knee and thigh; impact came from high left to low right." The nurse touched each site lightly, and Melinda felt it; she was tender and gentle.

"How long am I going to be chemically restrained?" The nurse glanced at her a little surprised. "I may not work in a hospital everyday but I do know a little bit."

"Till the swelling around your spine goes down enough that the doctor feels safe you won't hurt yourself; you will be in the brace longer." She winced, that mean she was staying in the damn bed for a while.

"I want to be able to think, I can't do that pumped full of meds. I understand that I have to be still but really I can't move either way. If I stay on my back I'm going to end up with pressure sores." She smiled a little.

"I'll talk to the doctor and see if we can start to wean you off the pain meds; but you tell me if you're uncomfortable. Fair enough?"

"If he'll listen."

"I've been here since my clinical, I know how to work him; no doctor wants another doctor as their patient." Melinda smiled and the nurse rubbed her shoulder before leaving. "Sleep."

She tried, she did but she also kept track, no one came with another dose of meds and slowly her mind started to clear a little. The door cracked a little, she heard the creak but no one came into her line of view.

It was infuriating not being able to look and see if someone was there. She knew if it was Kaylen she wouldn't hesitate. She almost wished her daughter would come, hopefully her test had gone well the last thing she needed was to be her excuse. Time passed really slowly, she didn't need to sleep anymore but she must have drifted off.

This time when she woke she knew there was someone in the room with her; but they wouldn't move into her line of vision. It wasn't a good feeling, there was nothing she could do to protect herself; she swallowed hard.

A blonde stepped into her line of vision; it took her a moment to recognize Rollins; a man she didn't know stood with her.

" I'm sorry you got hurt Melinda. I wish it hadn't happened, that you'd stayed down or something." Rollins head was low and she knew the young detective had already had a dressing down but it hadn't smartened her up any.

" You can wish it away all you like. I can't and I won't, I wish it away then I wish it on someone else. That was a minimal loss situation, we all could have gone sky high and none of us would be here today; no one else was willing to act. I took a chance and I made a choice now I pay for it; I don't wish someone else would." It was harsh and she knew it but something switched inside her; she had to own her choices in life; they all did.

" I didn't think like that, just that you shouldn't have got hurt. It could have been different somehow." The accent came out and she tried to smile a little, this was not someone who fully understood life yet; a dreamer. And still that was fair, Rollins was still young enough; she hadn't lived yet.

" Amanda, if we were put in the same situation I would do the same thing again. Risk to my life is not worth the cost of it to wait and die with what I knew to be six other people. We could have all waited to die together or fight; I will choose to fight every time."

" You were a soldier."

" I served in the Air Force; they paid for me to get my MD." She replied coolly.

" I didn't know."

"You know nothing about me, and you don't need to. I want to sleep." It was the easiest way to end a conversation she really didn't need to have right now; or ever.

"Ms. Warner I can understand that you need to rest but I'd like to speak with you for a moment. Special Agent Ryan Wills." He moved something from his waist and straightened his arm, she knew it was his badge; but it took him a moment to realize he needed to lift it for her too see.

Rollins left and she answered the fed's questions as best she could; she had no memory of after the shots rang out and still didn't know exactly what had happened there. She was thankful he didn't push her, he took the answers she gave until he asked one question. " You said you would do it again, you have a family and every reason not to take the risk. I served my country too but…."

"But that was a school, I have a daughter who I love; she may be grown now but I always see her as a child; there were children there. She knows I love her but she also knows what I believe; I will honor the oaths that I took until the day I die; as a doctor and as a soldier. I served in a war, I was a medic; it was being a medic that made me want to train to be a doctor. I saw loss of life, I saw too much of it; senseless deaths of young people." She paused a moment, some of those deaths had been her friends; she had trained and lived with them.

"I am not young anymore, I'm no child; I've lived my life. I want to live, to see my little girl grow up, see her marry, happy and see my grandchildren someday but if it comes down to a child or me. I have lived my life.

"Every mother should see her child grow up, every child should have that chance. I'll take this pain and I'll get back on my feet; but I won't wish anything else." Melinda closed her eyes a moment, it might have been nice not to have gotten the call out that morning; but then it would have been one of her assistants; there was no nice way around it.


	7. Heal

Time passed slowly, days crawled by and Melinda fought for her independence, they were laying off the drugs; there was a numbness running through her body. But it was natural, not cloudy like the drugs and she could feel it wearing away; a tingling in her hands came first.

It was nearly two weeks before they took her out of the brace and let her lay on her side. They took away the oxygen next, small victories that reminded her she had a long road ahead of her. Kaylen came every day and tried to brighten her days; but it was hard to let her daughter see her like this.

She wanted her independence back, to go home, get back to work; and do simple things for herself. People came to see her but for the most part they just reminded her of her weakness. The doctor ran tests on her, over and over again; he was uncomfortable with her. The FBI agent who came to speak to her that first day came back several more times and was kind enough to release a statement to the press asking that her life be left alone; she knew it only slowed them down.

This wasn't blowing over, the detectives helped keep Kaylen out of it but it wouldn't go away. They came to see her every day and it was getting to the point that she wished they'd stop; the only one she hadn't seen was Amaro.

That was fine with her, especially after Kaylen admitted to having it out with him; which didn't truly surprise her as the girl had inherited a bit of a temper she didn't know when to control. Munch passed on the memo that Rollins and Amaro weren't to contact her unless she asked to speak to them; she chose not to mentions Rollins visit.

Still the morning that Kim came in was nice; the nurse usually worked afternoons, but was kind about helping her. "Do you want to try and sit up today?"

The woman tucked the gown around her and pulled a chair close, most of the nurses were busy and that was something she understood. But Kim made time, and she appreciated it. "I'd like to try."

"Alright. We're going to need to put something in front of you to help keep you upright. I'm going to put your arms around my neck and swing your knees around; don't panic." The nurse gently lifted her arms and placed them over her shoulders; there should be someone to help the poor girl.

"Please don't hurt your back Kim." The last thing Melinda needed was to hurt the nurse trying to help her.

"Don't worry, on three ready." The nurse counted down and then pulled her around, sliding her hands under her back to pull her up.

Melinda felt her feet starting to slip on the smooth floor, she felt herself starting to slide off the edge. "Kim."

"Wow, its okay." The nurse grabbed her armpits and Melinda yelped; she had range of motion in her shoulder because the bullet didn't compromise her rotator cuff. The whole area though was sore, but it was better than landing on the floor.

Suddenly the woman laughed, and Melinda was startled. "Look what you did."

She looked at her, confused until she realized her hand had closed around the back of the woman's neck. "Melinda that is great, here let's move your hand to my back."

She tried and they both watched she managed to make her hand open again and move a tiny bit; Kim pressed it to her own back. "That's okay it's a start. Let's get over to the chair."

Kim pulled her up and pivoted her and then let her down into the chair; she was finally able to see the damage done to her knee. It was encased in a heavy dressing and trapped at a slight angle. Melinda looked down her body, it was a start.

"Here, I want you to squeeze my hands." The nurse picked up both her hands and slid her own into them.

She managed to squeeze her right hand tightly but the left one only closed a little bit. She relaxed and did it again, then dropped her right hand and slowly brought it back into her lap; she couldn't help but smile.

The Kim dropped to her knees and cupped her right foot. "Press against my hand now."

She tried, and tried hard. "I can't."

"That's okay. Melinda that's okay it's a start. I'll let the doctor know, I'll be back in a little bit." Kim fastened a strap around her middle checking that it wasn't touching the dressings on her middle.

The nurse dragged the chair around so she could look out the window and pulled back the curtain; it was so good to look outside. She spent the morning looking out the window, she couldn't wait to get out of the hospital and this was a small step in the right direction.

There was a cough behind her and she turned to see a cop; she didn't need to see a badge or uniform to know. "Lieutenant Tucker from IAB, I'd like to discuss the events of…"

"I know what you want to discuss, but is there a point to it; the feds have the investigation; and the group has been disbanded." She knew what he wanted to do and while it was his job she wasn't sure where she stood on the issue; especially not today.

It was easy to be mad when she was trapped in a bed and reminding herself that there was a reason. But right now she just wanted to be happy, her hands were beginning to heal; x-rays would show how much longer it would take but it was starting to end.

"There is still the issue that it was the medical examiner that reacted and is hospitalized."

"There was an opportunity I took it." And she remembered Amanda Rollins face, the woman may be old enough to have her shield but she still had a lot of living left to do; and learning.

"I know you have been through the day with the feds and likely in your own mind plenty of times. I'm not here to hurt you, trust me I…"

"I don't need your pity, or anyone else's for that matter; it gets old real fast. Come in sit down and ask your questions." The man nodded and came in to sit near her.

"How is your recover coming along?"

"I'm making progress." The man opened a bag and pulled out a notepad.

"I brought you something, I don't know if you want to see it today or not but I'll leave it here for you." He pulled out a folded paper and set it on the window ledge. "Can you take me through that morning? From the time you arrived at NYMS."

"It seemed like a normal call out at first." She had been over it before.

"You've worked with many different detectives what did you think of scene management?" He had yet to write anything down yet she noticed.

"I thought there were too many people around but that was a personal opinion, they interviewed and collected statements independently."

"Where were you?"

"In the room, assessing the girl."

"They didn't remove witnesses from the scene?"

"No." She wasn't going to lie, this was a different interview; this was to decide the discipline for the two detectives.

"And when the men arrived on the scene both detectives drew down and then dropped their weapons; they did not unload them?"

"No, they didn't." She knew that went against their protocols.

"Everyone went to the ground; did either detective attempt to engage the perpetrators?"

"Yes, Amaro tried once, maybe twice."

"Do you remember where the men were, where they all there?"

"I, no I'm not sure, I wasn't thinking of what he was doing."

"That's alright. On this I want your opinion, what action do you think would be appropriate?"

She levelled her eyes with the man; he probably wasn't going to like her decision. "Let them live with it. They're young, and they will learn. Some people will live their entire lives without making that kind of a choice."

"You are in the hospital because of their lack of action, it wasn't your job to stand up; it was theirs. You don't think that warrants consequences?"

"It has consequences, and what I say really doesn't matter; you have rules to follow either way." Melinda knew there was no point; there was probably some law written out that decided what the punishment would be.

"Actually it does, the review of their actions is complete with your statements, a decision will be made within the next few days; both will remain on suspension until a decision is reached. This case though has become very public."

"You're afraid of bad press. I'll tell you what I'll tell any reporter; its life, live and learn. All I want right now is to get better, go home and go back to my job. I have no interest in the media, I have worked with good cops, and bad cops; but I've also worked with young ones. So consider that." Melinda closed her eyes for a moment.

"Alright, would you like to be notified when a decision is made?"

"I'm sure I'll hear about it." She knew the press would grab it either way it went.

The cop thanked her for her time and left, she went back to looking out the window until a nurse came in and took her down for more testing. When she was put back in the bed she was exhausted, it was early evening when she woke.

She turned her head to find Kim in the chair by her bed. "Isn't your shift over?"

"Yep. Your daughter was here for a while, she wanted you to know she's going to spend the night at a friend's and will come visit you tomorrow. I thought you might want to know there was a boy waiting for her in the hall." Kim grinned at her and moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Did you stay just to stress me out?" She laughed a little.

"No, I thought you might want a shower. Your results came back and the doctor has cleared you to move around a bit and start physio; the scans look a lot better. Swelling has gone down a lot and the incisions are beginning to heal. You should start to get more motor function back." Kim's hand came to rest on her shoulder and Melinda rolled her eyes.

"Go home Kim, I'll get a shower eventually; you've put your day in and I appreciate it."

"I don't mind and you need one. C'mon it will feel good." Kim turned down her sheets and Melinda caught her hand.

"Kim go home, you've done your job. I really appreciate the offer but you have a life to go home to." Melinda watched as green eyes hardened, the girl wasn't going to give up.

They looked at each other for a long moment. "I know you don't want anybody's pity; you want your independence back. But I couldn't have done it, I would have stayed on that floor terrified and I have a little brother at that school. You don't know what it means to me that he came home this weekend."

She was silent, she didn't want to deal with this, it was pity in the worst way; but Kim was almost a friend. She didn't like the idea that the woman felt she needed to help her.

"Melinda, don't start this; I want to see you back on your feet. Take the help and we'll get you cleaned up, it'll feel better. I want you to feel better, and be comfortable; it's a little bit of time." Kim brushed her hair back and slipped a hand around her back; Melinda was pulled up to lean against her side.

She groaned as her knees were swung around. "What you can't compromise my spine so easily now so you can be rough with me?"

"Pretty much." Kim's hand smoothed her hair and Melinda knew it was gross; she really did want a shower. If only because it was something out of the bed and away from the little room.

The dressings came off and Kim checked the stiches and then they were covered with plastic. She got a chance to see herself in the mirror and winced; she looked a mess. Kim propped her onto a seat in the shower and hot water hit her skin; it felt very good.

Later she was clean and set back in the bed; only it was cranked up so she could sit up for a bit. Kim set the paper the lieutenant had left on her lap. "You touched a lot of lives and it means the world to a lot of people. Thanks for my brother's life."

She felt her face flush and she ducked her head; she didn't want to hear that. Kim laughed. "Now I've got you uncomfortable, good; you should be. I'll see you tomorrow."

Left alone Melinda closed her eyes for a long moment, Kim had made her uncomfortable; and she didn't like it. Reaching down she opened the paper and wished she hadn't; her face was plastered on the front page. They'd dug up an old photo from the time she'd spent in the air force and put it beside her ID photo from the ME office; that was just perfect.

She read the article and her cheeks heated; she never wanted to see anyone again. Except for her daughter, she needed to give Kaylen a piece of her mind; the kid had gone off and ran her mouth. It was continued inside but she didn't need to read any more, tossing it off her lap she tested her range of motion in her arm; she needed to go home.


	8. Honor

Melinda moved slowly across the hall, she leaned on Kim's arm and a cane; when she could walk on her own she could go home. And now that was her goal, it was within sight and getting closer every day. It had taken so long just to get this far but she was almost there.

She had daily physio and knew that she drove the nurses up the wall; but the hospital was confining. Having a goal to work towards helped, it gave her a reason to fight back, and put up with the things her body couldn't do, she just kept telling herself it was temporary. This was the way to fix it and she needed help with t.

She made her way slowly down the hall and back again. Jamie let her go and she made it to the chair on her own someone sat on her bed. The woman was about her age but Melinda didn't know her. Melinda wasn't sure what this was but she wasn't sure she liked it.

"Hi." She lowered herself into the chair, her knee was still in a cast and it made it an awkward drop.

"Hi, Ms. Warner I'm Ella Sanders, my daughter was with you in NYMS; you covered her body with yours." The woman spoke softly and Melinda just nodded; she had learned the girl's name a few days after it happened; she hadn't planned to see her again. "She'd like to see you, when you're up to it."

Melinda nodded, pushing herself back into the chair a little more. "How is she coping?"

"She's doing okay, she isn't sure she will return to the school next year; it's shaken her up a lot. She's her father's daughter, but as much a boy as any; she has always wanted to follow his footsteps. Her father and most of her aunts and uncles on his side are serving. She isn't so sure anymore, but I... I need…"

"She is still young; her plans will change a hundred times."

"You have a girl of your own?"

"She's just about grown up now, drives me up the wall. But she is finally starting to come into her own decisions."

"You have a child, how could you?"

Melinda sighed, the first person to ask who truly deserved an answer. "Because I am a mother and if it was my child there, I hope and pray someone would stand up to protect her. But also because as a young woman I took an oath to protect my country."

And today it still meant the world to her, she was proud to be able to say she had served. It had been her time in the air force that had made her grow up and smarten up; she'd thickened her skin and learned the meaning of courage. "I served with them through some bad times, I lost friends, and then I took an oath to help people as much as I could; to do no harm.

"So really it comes down to my honor. I would rather live honorably than die a coward. I have no opinion on the mess this has brought about I made a choice and I live with it; I would make it again. Now I want to go back to my life, to my family and my independence.

"I am sorry your daughter had to get that wakeup call so young, but she will be stronger for it; and someday she will decide where she wants to go in her life. We all have, we all do. Don't worry and don't pity; just live. I'd like to talk to Jamie someday."

It took time to heal, it took time to grow; it took time to live and to die. When honor came to the table it changed the game. No one there would forget the day, many young lives forever changed; they had confronted death.

Healing took many months, and it was harder because many looked on; watching to see if she would stand or fall. But the little things said it all, wrapping her arms around her child, going home; a new friend. It was hard, life was hard and so was the world.

In the city that never slept there had been a wakeup call, a doctor, a mother and a soldier had stood with no fear to fall. The message rang loud and clear, even near a year. They offered the praise, the medal of bravery no one came to claim. She stood out of honor, not for fame.


End file.
